My birthing experience was spiritual, pain-free, and utterly beautiful. This story needs to be shared – no more resistance – I trust the divine with all the guidance I receive, which means accepting that my story, my experiences, my lessons are not mine alone.
I hid Malakai’s birthing story far too long. I basically didn’t want to share it because my experience was very different from most women I know. As was my entire pregnancy. I knew my son was different, and it helped me learn that I was different. I feared some woman might be jealous, or even resentful, of my experience – but fear is an ego driven, lower frequency riding, energy that I released. I live in my power, and I embrace my difference. I have nothing to hide. Far too long I was hiding from myself, and this blog serves as a platform for me to expose all that is within me. I chose to elevate myself and this includes sharing my birthing experience, so that other women 1. know they are not alone if they experience/d what I did, and 2. let other women know that they can have a pain-free delivery.
Over Prepared, But Never Prepared Enough
I was 36 weeks pregnant healthy, vibrant, strong, working out daily and I was sure I was going to carry to 40, if not 42 weeks. I participated in LaMaze, had a hypnobirthing instructor, saw a chiropractor throughout my entire pregnancy, participated in a new parent nursing program, went to breastfeeding courses and had a lactation consultant, got certified in CPR, and had a midwife – clearly I am an over achiever with anything I do. All the professionals said I was carrying to deliver right on time, or even to 42 weeks, so this is what I truly believed. I was pre-warned of a nesting phase – of which I did not go through, or so I thought. But as I look back, my nesting phase was not in prepping for the arrival of my son, but instead, it was my ability to fully prepare and take care of those I had been working with throughout my pregnancy.
The night before I went into labor I went to the store to make a care package for myself and my boss, who is now one of my closest friends. I got her all my healthy alternative essentials – almond cheese, Dave’s Killer Bread, Earth Balance, daiya cream cheese, a couple frozen daiya pizzas, and some other goodies – because she expressed her desire to take better care of herself. I got myself some depends – yes, depends! And thank goodness for that advice, because the pads they give in the hospital are lame AF. Depends are definitely the way to go – absolutely NO NEED to be worried about looking sexy after giving birth, embrace the comfort of depends – seriously! If I ever get pregnant again, depends will be the first thing to buy for the week after delivery.
That Saturday morning I worked out, packed my meals and care package for my boss, and went to work a full day. After work, I came home for dinner and did some pilates before bed (yes, I was temporarily hitting double days in my workouts – and NO this does not cause pre-term labor).
Did I Just Wet the Bed?
In the middle of the night I woke because I wet the bed (2am). I was sure it was pee, because I was able to control and stop the liquid. I got up and went to the bathroom. I was hella embarrassed, but messaged my son’s father letting him know I wet the bed – we have been separated since pregnancy, but we communicate for the best interest of our son. I couldn’t fall back asleep, and it seemed like I was leaking… So I went to put on a depends because I didn’t want to be leaking on my bed – thank goodness the night before I made myself a care package with depends and pads. After about an hour and a half I fell sleep.
I woke up about an hour and a half after that from discomfort. My brother was up eating and I shared with him what happened in the middle of the night. He offered to make me breakfast. I told him I was still going to go into work, but he insisted that I go to the hospital to at least get the fluid checked. I agreed, then googled bed wetting while pregnant, because I heard this happens to some women and I just thought this might be the next phase in being pregers. I began having discomfort, but I was sure I was NOT in labor. Still eating breakfast, playing on my iPad, and finally downloading an app to track/monitor my contractions, because everyone said I should have one.
I went to wake my mother to let her know my plan to go to hospital after finishing my breakfast and taking a shower. I asked her to pack a bag just in case they admit me. After I got out of the shower, I packed my own bag. My diaper bag was still in plastic and I did NOT have a hospital or diaper bag (pre)packed like all the new mommy blogs and books say to have. I removed the plastic and packed our bags while having contractions. The discomfort increased, but each time I would just pause and breathe through it. (My dad says he knew I was in labor, but didn’t want to freak me out, so he didn’t say anything about it to me).
As I hobbled into the back seat of my brother’s car he could tell I was wearing a diaper/depends and started cracking jokes – (Him: Are you wearing a diaper foo? Me: with a glare back, yea, homie, so what, I’m fucking leaking) – haha got to love brothers. I was in so much discomfort I didn’t sit in the seat, instead I placed my knees on the car floor and knelled over the seat as if I was praying at mass.
During the check-in, the intake nurse asked if I was having contractions. I replied, “I don’t know.” She continued with the intake and then I had a moment of discomfort where I paused to breathe, and she said, “honey, that’s a contraction.” Her face immediately shifted, asked how far apart are the contractions (so clearly my water broke and I did not wet the bed). I’m puzzled, my ma looks down at her watch and says 1-2 mins, — I was in full blown active labor. Intake nurse instructed me to go to the bathroom for a urine sample and to proceed to the exam room. There was blood in my urine sample. I didn’t know what to think. They wanted me to sit/lay on the intake table while attaching the monitoring devices to me, however I felt more comfortable on my side than propped up sitting. The mid-wife came in, I had to lie on my back for her to check me, she immediately said, “ROAD BLOCK,” rolled away, snapped off her gloves, wrote some notes and I was like, “Well, what does that mean?”
“Sweetie, the baby’s crowning, you’re fully dilated, he’s coming any minute, this is going to be a natural delivery.” I responded with, “that’s exactly what I wanted.”
What is Pain Anyway?
While being wheeled to the first available delivery room, the nurse was telling my ma that I must have a high threshold for pain… I guess, I’ve been told this before, but it’s more than having a high threshold, its about not letting the pain control you. You are not the pain, and we have the power to not be defined by our bodies and what is happening to them in the physical (I go into a meditative state when getting tattoos too hehe). I told my ma to text my son’s father, and the spiritual oasis began (but really it began weeks prior as I learned how to meditate and focus on my breathing)
During LaMaze and Hypnobirthing we were told how much agency and power we have in the process and that we do NOT have to do what is instructed by the doctors and nurses. That I will only need to push when I am ready, not when they say. The entire delivery is YOUR experience and no one else – yours and your baby, don’t forget that! I am so thankful I was told that and told that I did NOT have to do what anyone else said. I am also so thankful I learned what I could ask for and demand. I thought I was going to want a yoga ball, a mirror, a squat bar, all that fancy stuff… But when it came to it all I wanted was to be comfortable, to let go of what I was feeling, and breathe through it all. I was butt ass naked. The nurses kept trying to cover me and fix my gown, which was interrupting my calm, so I just asked if we could remove it.
I was on all fours, going from a neutral dog position to a child’s pose during contractions. As I breathed in I let go of me and my body and listened/felt/knew what my son wanted. I followed his lead. I knew he would direct the process and all I needed to do was relax. Yes, RELAX!!! The female body is miraculous and the more you can relax the more the process will just happen, the vagina will open and the baby will come out. Relaxing, letting go, and trusting everything would flow at just the right time. In being present, but not defined by my body, I was able to connect with spirit and with Malakai, we became one, with different roles – I was to relax and open, while he was to come down (no pushing, no forcing, this creates resistance, this actually closes the canal and makes it the painful process we all know child birth to be).
I found out later that the nurses were behind me semi-freaking, but they never let me know. I remained calm, kept being polite and saying thank you to all of them. They wanted me to push, and said I could anytime, but I was not ready, Malakai was not ready. The mid-wife came in to check a few times. And then we were ready. She wanted my on my back for pushing… meh. That’s whatever.. I wasn’t going to put up a fight, I knew we were ready. 3 pushes and he was out in the world.
My Sweet Angel
And immediately placed him on me, which is also what I wanted. Skin to skin. No cleaning. I was overfilled with joy, I cried from the sight of my sweet Malakai, my angel, my guiding light. He nursed for 2 hours, all vitals were checked, and we were encouraged to nurse another hour since he was born premature. He was healthy, strong, and perfect. NICU was ready just in case anything was needed or any complications with him being born early, but he was fine, just a little low iron.
I share this story because as much as I wanted to have Malakai at the “right” time, whatever that is, he knew exactly when to arrive in this world. Letting go and trusting is key to flowing with divine timing. We do not have to be trapped into our bodies, or our material realities. I was able to breathe through, let go of my body, and relax. And in doing this Malakai, did the work. I am learning this lesson all over again, I swear I am always learning this lesson haha. To let go, relax, and allow the universe to do the work instead of me. For so many years I was an over productive power player driven by efficiency and results, the universe is teaching me to not be in control. The more I learn to let go, the more everything falls right into place, just as my pain-free pregnancy.
Love and light sweet spirits, don’t let anyone tell you that things have to be painful and difficult, even a natural child-birth.